I’ve never really bought into the whole SADD syndrome? I’ve always tolerated winter and usually look forward to the beauty and chaos of a few good snow storms each season. Yet seasonal affective syndrome or not, this winter’s daily grind definitely got the best of me. And there’s something about February that packs a punch. Maybe the cruel irony of longer sunlight spoiled by those inevitably frigid temperatures. Your body warmed against the glass looking outside only to be leveled once you step out the door.
Between seeking out new Brooklyn dentists and doctors for myself and the kids, dragging everyone around to their appointments, searching for a local travel soccer team and coordinating mid winter try outs, selling furniture, managing construction issues in our new home, after-school activities, school projects, the Polar Vortex, cancelled Ubers, two kids with stomach bugs, an emergency visit to the pediatric urgent care, me getting pneumonia followed by strep throat, and constantly wiping two little poopie assess all day long, there just has been too many diversions to writing or advancing my, so called, professional self.
In between crisis control, I’ve had some time to take stock in the, hmmm . . value, of my blog and my life; where I am going, what am I doing and basically everything in between. With the creep of 50 around the corner, I can’t help but reflect on my shortcomings. The jury’s still out on blogging, but I figured I would come out of the woodwork – even if it’s to document my last few days before becoming a semi-centennial.
Speaking of jury, didn’t I go to law school some decades ago? Even though I was a disenchanted lawyer, my walking away has haunted me. With everyone else on the planet seemingly starting their own podcast, writing a book, receiving industry accolades, or winning American Ninja contests, my absence from the daily grind for this long has me really questioning my self worth. Once Luca was old enough, I was able to pick up some paid freelance and consulting work prior to having the girls; but honestly, today, my motivation is waning.
I can hear the eye rolls. Believe me, this isn’t a “poor me” post. Despite my, hmmm . . . advanced age, I wanted a bigger family and am beyond blessed to finally have it. I know how lucky I am to even have the opportunity to be home; that many families juggle all sorts of issues and barely make ends meet. I also love and CHERISH being home with the girls – the laughs, learning, joy, tears, drama, beauty, wonderment, and did I mention the poopie asses? I wouldn’t trade those, or this time for the world.
I am also not knocking a stay at home mom’s worth. If anyone buys into the enormous value an at home parent provides their children by being involved in the day to day- it’s me. Hell, even if it’s just to monitor time outs; my time is valuable!
And this time goes fast. Too fast. When it’s over, shouldn’t I still have enough interests to find personal fulfillment and opportunities to contribute? My former aspirational self was never sent packing; she just seems to be on a very long trip – perhaps around the world. Is it too late to become a social media influencer?
As someone who did estate planning work in a prior life, that I haven’t written our Wills and planning documents is a secret shame. Let’s hope I can still get them done before I actually kick the bucket. Definitely one reason to talk myself out of this so called crisis and get moving! Just need to wipe another ass first.